Mr. Vengeance Holiday Gift Guide
By S.E. Schaible
The thing about being friends with me is, you need to accept that I am going to mess with you. Not constantly, but randomly; it could be every few years or even less. My definition of playful may align more with what your spouse and their normal friends would consider crude or crass or, in the absence of a proper descriptor they might simply ask, “what the hell is wrong with that guy” (and why would we ever invite him to another party?). That last question is the simplest to answer: If you stop inviting me to your shindigs – especially the well-worn annual affairs that everyone knows about – it will very likely elevate things from playful to what many might consider crazy town. The answer to the broader question – the “what is wrong with him” one – is that I treasure my friends but part of my process, my love language if you will, is to catalyze a remarkable story out of a simple party or gathering. Memorable stories and great friends, my lifelong friend Evan often ruminates, are what matter most – and are all that we have at the end of the day. I put in the work to transform something pleasant into something memorable, a freaking story, something that will endure long after everyone forgets what they ate, or how trashed what’s-his-bucket got on Pimm’s. Who drinks that, anyway? For holiday nostalgia I decided to share a couple Mr. Vengeance party classics.
A simple way to get people abuzz with gossip for minimal effort is, show up at the party with a prescription bottle in your suit pocket. And by prescription bottle. I mean an actual yellow bottle with the childproof top and a professional-looking label for Viagra in the name of the man of the house. Look at any existing pharmacy bottle for inspiration – you can easily scrape a logo from a website to make it look authentic, print on a color printer, and carefully tape the label on using clear packing tape. Just be sure to put some vitamins or supplements in the bottle and leave it right on the counter next to the sink in the main floor bathroom.
Another classic way to rev up a party is to ignite a delayed-launch mortar tube in the alley behind the back yard. You’ll need a length of cannon fuse – a spool of quick-burning cord that yields about a minute of time for every 20 feet of burn. Just enough to have plausible deniability. When someone barks my name after the massive shock to their senses directly overhead, I can say “what, you saw me standing right here when those neighborhood troublemakers blew that up!” Police knocking on the front door is icing on the cake, as far as memorable moments go.
However, if you really want to be like a pro, there is one gag I perfected and have used with great results. You go to a convenience store – a filthy one, not a nice one – and purchase a copy of Penthouse or Hustler or something far worse. It will be wrapped in a poly bag that shows the header of the magazine, and the rest is an opaque bright color. Print a realistic mailing label addressed to the host or hostess – include their middle initial to really make it sing – and you must include the tiny barcode imprint beneath the address for authenticity. I slip the magazine into the back of my pants, covered by my sport coat, and after a drink or two I locate the bathroom with the magazine rack, and I slip it face-up on the stack. No reading materials in the john? In a pinch, drop the magazine onto a stack of Sunset magazines in the living room. Either the host finds it the next day and has a howl over it, or some drunken fool comes into the kitchen waving it around after midnight. Hilarity ensues. PS, substitute something political or otherwise ironic if porn is too much for you at this juncture.
If this sounds scintillating but you just aren’t ready to commit, try this training wheels exercise: Purchase something as a host/hostess gift that is deliberately lame (think Yard-O-Beef summer sausage or a candle from the supermarket sale bin with the “now just $2” yellow sticker) and wrap it beautifully. No gift card necessary! Arrive at the party, set it on the table with all the other gifts, and at some point, slip the gift card from someone else’s gift under the ribbon of yours. It will make for some interesting next-day conversations when they open gifts and jot the thank you cards.
You may not have the chops to pull it off with the holidays already upon us, but you’ve got the entire coming year of gatherings to do something memorable.
Happy holidays – I’ll be watching for that invitation.